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It’s so hard, mourning someone who isn’t gone. I guess “isn’t gone” isn’t correct.

I made pączki today, and longed for a time, still not so long ago. And yet, so long ago that the memories are generalized. Distant. Faded. The relationship between my grandmothers and food is intimate. The recipes were provisions. Comfort. Connection. My pączki were not the same. They were close. They lacked authenticity.

Losing my grandmother slowly by way of dementia has caused unexpected breakdowns, such as this small moment of realization that she may never be able to tell me what I did wrong. Her recipes are lost, and so, a part of myself is lost. 

I have vague memories – vague because they happened so often it’s impossible to remember specific instances – of her making us nalesniki, the Polish version of crepes. We’d fight over each one as they hit the plate. Sprinkle each with granulated sugar and roll it into a tube. I can still taste the flavor on my tongue.

But I left. I left while she was still well. I was gone while she grieved my grandfathers death. And I’m still gone, as her memory becomes unhinged and she becomes unrecognizable.

The recipes are a reminder that I chose to be distant. I’ll be haunted by this forever.

Garden baby

The golf tournament is this Friday, so I haven’t had much time for writing. I have to say, though, that I love this baby. Here’s to this weekend, when we can unwind and plant a winter garden.


the forever empty and cell phones

You need to build an ability to just be yourself and not be doing something. That’s what the phones are taking away, is the ability to just sit there. That’s being a person. Because underneath everything in your life there is that thing, that empty—forever empty. That knowledge that it’s all for nothing and that you’re alone. It’s down there.

And sometimes when things clear away, you’re not watching anything, you’re in your car, and you start going, ‘oh no, here it comes. That I’m alone.’ It’s starts to visit on you. Just this sadness. Life is tremendously sad, just by being in it…

That’s why we text and drive. I look around, pretty much 100 percent of the people driving are texting. And they’re killing, everybody’s murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don’t want to be alone for a second because it’s so hard.

Louis CK


I do not regret planting that bougainvillea. A brief period of rain is here. The air smells fresh and we are having an appreciated break from the heat. Almost unbelievable that fall is just around the corner.

september 10

Loving this planter by Convivial Production.

And this vintage duffle bag from MintedxVintage.

Cold weather < Extreme Cowl from Free People.

Also, wouldn’t mind one of these concrete ring holders by concretelabhk next to my sink.